a journal on hiking and traveling around the Philippines

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I’ve Changed!

There are only a few people who have seen me get mad. I rarely fight with anyone. I settle every disagreement in the most civilized way I can. I don’t get emotional. I stick to the main issue. I say my piece as calmly as I can and I am prepared to accept a settlement. I don’t hold grudges. Well, this is the new me. Years ago, back when I was a lot younger, I would get so angry, I usually throw stuff at people, shove them or shower them with words of evil. As I was growing up, I realized that being angry does not solve anything. To win a fight, you must detach yourself from the emotional aspects of it and face it as objectively as you can.

This morning, I encountered a situation which tested how much I‘ve changed. I can’t say I passed it with flying colors but I did good. I was so angry at someone for something he had been doing consistently for the past couple of months and I just had to tell him that it was not cool at all. I cursed at him (which I now regret), yelled at him and asked him to get away from my face or I will throw a mug at him. He said something like bring it on, I held on the mug so tightly, preparing to hurl it at his chest. For a few seconds, something took control of me and I was able to think – despite my anger. I thought about my friend who owned the mug – I knew I would break it if I had thrown it. I also thought of the janitor who will be cleaning the mess since the mug felt a little heavy – it may have water in it. This wasn’t their fight. This was mine to claim, mine to win. I decided not to throw it at him at the last minute and he stormed out of the room. I thank God, I did not have to engage in a fist fight. He's 5'10, about 160 pounds, but I have no problems breaking my bone if the situation calls for it.

In an instant, I had my angels beside me – my colleagues showing their moral support, asking if I was okay. I really appreciate the kind gestures even though I couldn’t speak for a few minutes. I was so angry, my heart was racing. A few minutes later, the asshole came back, sent me an instant message and tried to reason out with me. I knew it was all crap and I told him not to talk to me because I have no respect left for him but I said it in a rather kind manner. Now, I have no energy left to argue with him, nothing left to rebuild a broken friendship. I want to forgive him, but I want to forget him (ooh, that’s so Lauren Conrad vs Heidi Montag!).

Now I am back home and I feel light, happy and proud of myself for not allowing anger to turn me into a monster. I was able to tell him what I wanted to say all these months and I am thankful to the Lord for helping me out.

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